haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
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Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
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"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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