Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
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Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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