Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
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You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
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God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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