What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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