i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
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In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
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Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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