I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's never too late to be topless.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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