Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
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she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
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He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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