new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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