She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
no, he came in my armpit
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
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Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
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How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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