he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Redeem this text for a blowjob
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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