You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
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Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
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I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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