did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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