I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
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So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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