Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
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Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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