i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
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Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
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At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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