I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
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critical mistake not lubing the nipples
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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