I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sorry my hands just texted you
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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