i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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