she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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