if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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