if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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