Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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