Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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