btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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