I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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