I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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