I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
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Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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