lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
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You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
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The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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