Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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