Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
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It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
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Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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