i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize