his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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