ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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