so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize