I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize