9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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