I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
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Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
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Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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