Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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