One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
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There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
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So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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