You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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