I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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