when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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