you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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