I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
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I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
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Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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