Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize