Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i was born a porn star she said
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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