Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
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There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
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I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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