Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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