I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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