I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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